times

So, I have this trick I'm trying to use to help me get through the rough nights/mornings/afternoons/moments and to remember that it's really not all bad: I just try to conjure up one of the many many many wonderful moments we do have here.

Like last weekend when we went up to Inspiration Point. Even though I gave up walking and turned around after less than a half a mile, we ended up sitting on the picnic table under the pine trees and spending some time as a family. Zach cuddled Clara, Molly asked a million questions, explored the pine cones, the trees, the dirt, and the rocks, and announced that the roots she was stepping on were "like straws for the trees!" When I took Clara to nurse, Zach and Molly romped around, sang songs, and looked at the sky. Them's nice times.

Or one of the many many times that Clara cuddles up on my chest and sleeps securely, preciously, deeply, doing the difficult work of growing that body & brain.

Or the last two nights when I've laid down with Molly at night to put her to bed. We chat about the day (Did Zane take the helicopter from you today? And you didn't like it? And you took it back? Did Lupe help you? And next time you will use your words?) or about made up things (I'm a monster and I'm going to nibble on your toes!). And then I ask her to be still and she begs me to "lie with me for just one minute!" over and over again ("just one more minute"). And we negotiate - stillness and quietness for cuddles. And then, on a good night, her breathing becomes rhythmic and I roll her over and say goodnight, just a little sad that she doesn't ask for the Goodnight Story anymore, and just a little sad that I can't stay and cuddle all night, but happy that she's secure and sleeping soundly.

It's worked pretty well, and it's nice to remember the good, even though I find it's also really important for me to acknowledge the challenges we're facing right now.